shaken baby.

today was supposed to be a relaxing rainy day at home. JUST mommy, daddy and baby. no one else is at the house to disturb us and no one has work today. we couldn't wait to finish up all of the things for ryder's party. until...travis got a text at 930 this morning to come to work at 10. "for just two cars. then you can go home." oh really? then why am i currently sitting at the house, blogging about my day because he's STILL at work? you mean ole lying boss you! two cars my butt!

ryder took a four hour nap today, that gave me a chance to catch up on some rest too because i rarely get to sleep in or nap anymore. but i had lots of chores today. when we woke up; i started dinner, did some laundry and cleaned up the house a little bit. ryder decided today would be a good day to test mommy's nerves. in a span of four minutes he pulled all of the clean laundry out of the basket, pulled the mouse down off the computer desk, pulled all of daddy's xbox games and controllers off the entertainment center, returned to the computer desk and pulled the MOUSE off the desk too. four minutes! how can one child move so quickly?! while i was cleaning up one mess he was already making another!

i understand now how people could harm their children. i would NEVER ever do something like that but i understand the urges now. instead of doing something crazy like that out of thirty seconds of anger, ryder is now playing in his crib. until daddy gets home. or until tomorrow. or until i leave the house, clear my head and come home with some patience. currently, i am pretending im deaf and cant hear him. this is slightly relaxing pretending he doesnt exist. (so when will i expect to receive my mother of the year award?) HA!

i dont like being alone all day as it is. i have no one to talk to and no help with the baby tornado but on top of that, the thunder is making the dogs follow me around the house and whine. i also have a headache which started this morning when one of them jumped on my head in bed out of fear of RAIN! get a grip! youre a dog, get used to the water touching you! ugh.

the stress of this day is just too much. its barely seven oclock and im already ready for bed. i cant handle much more of this today. i think i need a drink. or two. or ten.

ugh

Oh weekly fight, how I have missed you. NOT! This seems never ending. One of us says something that sets the other one off and that escalates into a huge blowout.

Name calling. (me) Silent treatment. (him) Crying. (me) "Fine whatever, just leave." (him) More name calling. (me again) Crying so hard you can't catch your breath. (again, me) And finally "I don't care, do whatever you want." (also, him)

The only reason I even remotely want to deal with all this bullshit is because of Ryder. If it wasn't for him, I would be long gone. Not even necessarily "moved on" to a new guy. Just doing my own thing. Alone. Sometimes I wish I had never told Travis I was pregnant. That's an awful thing to say and I feel horrible just typing it. But my life would be so less dramatic and easier if it was just Ryder and I. I feel bad just thinking that, let alone saying it aloud or typing it but it's true. I sometimes imagine how different my life would be without him. Sure, it would be difficult but still manageable. There are millions of single moms out there that make it on their own. It's sometimes not even worth it to me to include him in my daily life. I make that sacrifice FOR Ryder. He's old enough now that he recognizes Daddy. He misses him and when he comes home from work Ryder gets excited. I don't want to be the one that takes that away from Ryder but this much fighting can not be healthy!

I almost feel like the two of us need to go to some sort of counseling. We both have our own issues that don't have anything to do with each other but I think that maybe our pasts are effecting our relationship now. My terrible home life and relationship with my parents. His Iraqi experiences and adoption issues. Neither one of us is perfect and I don't expect us to be but something has got to change. I can't handle this much fighting anymore. It's guess ok though, (close to) one year down, only 17 more to go right? :/

clarification

I figured since I made an intense list of my likes and dislikes last week that I would elaborate on some of the topics today, along with new ramblings that I feel I should discuss. I mean, come on, it's MY blog, shouldn't I be able to talk about whatever I want? Seriously though, I do love my job - I just love blogging DURING work more - why not get paid to yammer on and on about my awesome self? :) Just don't tell my boss.

So let's start here...
1. I have a MAJOR obsession with flip flops. I own over fifty pairs and I've never even worn half of them. I have them in every color imaginable, yet I don't have any clothes to match them with, so I won't wear them. I mostly buy the ones from Old Navy. I have every color they make or have made in the past five years. You might think I'm exaggerating but believe me, I'm not. I can't help myself. I MUST buy them! Don't judge me!
2. I want to visit all fifty states at least once. Even if it's only for a five minute interval, I just want to be able to say I've been to them all. So far I've been to California, Nevada, Arizona, Utah, Oregon, Kansas, Missouri, Arkansas, Tennessee and Michigan. 10 out of 50 isn't so bad.
3. I want to move back to California one day. I miss the beach so much. It really is my home.
4. One day, I also want to be able to speak another language fluently.
5. I hate hate hate mashed potatoes and their weird consistency. [it reminds me of vomit] I refuse to eat them and when people try to force me to eat them it freaks me out, to the point of tears. Yes, I just said tears. It kills me that Ryder loves them and I literally gag with every bite I feed him. I'm not really sure what triggered this strange fear but for as long as I can remember I've hated them.
6. I want to be a teacher some day and I started going to college to become one but never finished. I should probably go back to school soon...
7. Sometimes I'm a bitch on purpose. I'm sorry but some people deserve it!
8. When I was eighteen I accidentally killed my pet rabbit. I put her outside to run around the back yard and play [in the middle of July, mind you] and forgot she was out there. she died from heat stroke...now I'm terrified to even touch a rabbit. :(
9. I'm so glad that I'm done with high school, it was such a waste of time for me. I'm not saying that I'm so brilliant that I didn't need school. It's just that school was so boring for me that I couldn't pay attention and would always finish my work really fast and then talk to my friends, therefore getting myself into trouble for "slacking off". Great.
10. I'd secretly love to get a boob job. Simple as that. Not necessarily to make them bigger, just to make it so I'd never have to wear a bra. Haha.
11. I can not stand wearing socks. If i could go barefoot at all times, I would but it's far too unsanitary. Also, I can't sleep in socks but I hate being cold when I sleep. Hmm there lies the problem. I have to have my feet all wrapped up and covered before I can fall asleep or it's just not "right". I also rub my feet on the mattress in a weird pattern to help me fall asleep. I've noticed that Ryder does the same thing at night. :)
12. My biggest fear is definitely flying.
13. When I was younger, I envisioned my "perfect future" and I was already supposed to be married with a baby on the way by age 20. Interesting vision of an eight year old. Try baby on the way with no boyfriend at the age of 22. That's more like it, kid.
14. I'd love to volunteer for Habitat for Humanity one day, everyone needs help sometimes.
15. I don't really care what other people think about me. It is what it is and if you don't like me then oh well.
16. I'm terrified of the movie Arachnophobia. I've only seen it twice in my life and that's enough for me! I saw it for the first time when I was six years old and it made me bawl. It also caused me to have nightmares and to shower with the bathroom door cracked open for fear of "the shower scene" happening to me. I needed to have a quick escape if spiders attacked me while I was showering. I thought that after fifteen years I might have gotten over my fear of a MOVIE, so I tried to watch it again two years ago and got so scared that I had to turn it off. Once again, it made me cry and caused my mother to laugh at me. Wonderful.
17. I really can't stand Snoop Dogg or his voice. There's just something about him that irks me. It really keeps from listening to a lot of good songs that he's featured in.
18. I thought living in Las Vegas meant it would be Summer all year long?! I don't like this whole Winter weather thing.
19. I love getting dressed up and putting on my makeup daily. I just hate the "in between" part. I wish I could just wake up and be ready to go out...
20. There are now twenty nine people on my "list" and I still feel like I'm forgetting someone...
21. I want to go on an African safari one day.
22. I have a lot of other strange fears as well...I can't even begin to explain them all.
23. Ok I'll admit it; I'm secretly jealous of all four of my brothers and the close bond that they have with each other. C'mon Mom and Dad, would it have killed you guys to give me ONE sister?!? Although I must say; my sister in law Kilee is pretty amazing!
24. Speaking of my brothers; all four of them are my closest friends in their own little way. I can always always go to my OLDEST brother, Jay for advice and to "vent". My OLDER brother, Rich and I have the most in common and he's always willing to help me out whenever I need him. My YOUNGER brother, Cody and I have the least in common but we're the closest in age and have a lot of the same friends, so when we're getting along and having a good time, he's actually fun to be around. My YOUNGEST brother, Conner was slowly becoming my new "best friend". Before Ryder was born he would go pretty much everywhere with me and we spent a lot of time together at the house. Now that I have Ryder I feel like we're drifting apart and I'm slowly "replacing" him with Travis. But Conner really is, hands down, the funniest person I have ever met. No joke.
25. I watch Hannah Montana sometimes and I'm not afraid to admit it.
26. I sometimes stay in the shower after I'm "all clean" and just stand there until the hot water runs out because it feels good.
27. I talk to myself daily - not just in my head but out loud too. I sometimes have to remind myself what I was doing in the first place...
28. Since high school I've realized who my true friends are. Let me go even further. Since I became a mom I've realized who my REAL friends are. People change, and that's ok. But you should just change for the better. Not the worse. Just because we're growing up and growing apart doesn't mean that you can treat people like crap. When I was younger my parents used to always tell me to treat others the way I wanted to be treated. I never thought twice about that saying until recently. People are just awful in general. Stick with the ones you can trust and count on. Don't even bother making new friends, I feel like it's not even worth it sometimes...
29. The one person in the whole world that makes me the ABSOLUTE happiest is also the one person that makes me the most mad. You know who you are.
30. Although I never "wanted" to be a mommy, things happen that sometimes can't be controlled. That being said, Ryder is the BEST thing that has ever happened to me. I wouldn't change the past for anything, I'm glad this particular "mistake" was made and I wouldn't have it any other way. That's that.

So that's pretty much all there is to say on that. I'm sure I'll think of something else that I wanted to say later and I'll kick myself for not adding it in. But as of right now the above mentioned crap IS my life. Sorry if I'm not as interesting as you were hoping. If you think I'm boring then just stop reading my blog, don't tell me I'm boring though...I'd probably cry myself to sleep knowing you felt that way. ;) Until next time my little readers...

daily

Alright, today I've made my own version of a Bucket List. Some things are VERY importatnt to me, while others are just funny//silly things that I'd like to do at least once. Like I've said before, I never planned on having kids but my last item was always in the back of my mind...

things I MUST do before I die:

1. go to a concentration camp in Germany
2. swim with dolphins
3. get over my fear of flying
4. learn to ski//snowboard
5. be hypnotized
6. go on a blind date
7. ride a mechanical bull
8. go to mardis gras
9. go to an NFL game
10. plant a tree
11. volunteer @ habitat for humanity
12. become a mentor for someone younger
13. visit the grand canyon
14. go to times square
15. put my hands in Marilyn Monroe’s handprints
16. drive on the autobahn
17. sky dive
18. got to an MLB game
19. go on a cruise
20. take a walk in central park.
21. kiss someone on top of the Eiffel tower
22. see the Australian zoo
23. have sex somewhere in Disneyland
24. go to the mall of America
25. rev my engine at a stop light next to a cop
26. visit all fifty states @ least once
27. learn to drive a stick shift
28. kiss in the rain
29. make a snow angel
30. get married
31. become fluent in Spanish
32. ride a motorcycle
33. kiss underwater
34. sing karaoke
35. speak with a British accent for an entire day
36. hitchhike
37. sleep in a tree house
38. study abroad
39. go on a real African safari
40. become a mommy

Seven out of forty isn't too bad. But I guess I better start working on this list, I'm not getting any younger. :)

ramblings

So who knew planning a one year old's birthday party would be so EASY?! Make a guest list. Check! Make a supply//needs list. Check! Decide on a location. Check! Design and create invitations. Check! Now all that's left to do is actually BUY all the supplies and mail out the invitations when it gets closer. I've heard from several people that planning kid's birthday parties is stressful, not worth it and a waste of time. I disagree 100%. I would never imagine NOT having a first birthday party. Sure, Ryder won't actually remember the party but there will be tons of pictures for him to look at when he gets older. Not only that, but it's an opportunity for all our friends and family to get together and hang out. Additionally, it gives any one that has yet to even meet Ryder the chance to do so. With every one's work and school schedules it's hard to get together as often as we'd like so this will be a perfect way to.

Given the time of the year we decided to have the party at a park where the kids can play on the playground and go in the splash park too. There's an open grass area for football and tag, or any other kids activities. I can only see this day going one way, and that would be well! :) Our two families don't particularly know each other very well but this is the time to get to know each other and come together FOR Ryder. If there's any awkwardness it can be squashed now. Not only that, but it's at a public park, no one HAS to hang out with anyone else. There' plenty of space and people can do their own thing without feeling weird.

After the party we're planning to go out with our of age friends and family, mommys and daddys too. Leaving all the grand kids with grandmas and celebrating making it through the first year alive! From what I've been told the second year is harder, but we'll see. Ryder is an angel baby so far, so I can't imagine him having terrible twos. (Yeah, right!)

Even though everything is already planned and has fallen into place quite well there's still always the stress of money and wanting to get things done before the event. I still need to buy a new outfit, get my nails and hair done and keep some extra spending money for that night. Although none of these things are a necessity to the party, sometimes you have to spend some money on yourself. Travis' new job has been a blessing in disguise. Even though he works SEVEN days a week, 10+ hours a day for next to nothing per car, the tips he makes daily have helped us out tremendously. His paychecks are a joke. He works his butt off in the Vegas heat day after day and still makes less than minimum wage. His boss is a nice guy and always works around Trav's schedule but his method of payment is beyond me. If it weren't for his daily tips, this job wouldn't even be worth it, But luckily those tips have gotten us out of several last minute binds. This whole birthday party has been paid for SOLELY off his daily cash and I could not be more thankful for the person Travis has turned into since starting this job three months ago. :)

That being said, our lives are not going as "planned". We still don't get along everyday and don't see eye to eye on several things, including the baby. I thought by now (almost 11 months later) we'd be on the same page and happy. I just don't see that happening any time soon. We fight almost every week and I hold grudges. Travis doesn't. We fight and then he gets over it in an hour. I continue to stay mad at him, sometimes even going to bed mad, which I HATE doing. I know I need to let things go but sometimes I just can't. I feel like the biggest reason we aren't together and happy is because of me. Things are never good enough and I want them to be perfect, I stay mad too long, I get mad too easily, etc. I know I need to change for things to get better between us but I can only do so much before a breaking point. Things can't be one sided anymore.

Speaking of 11 months later...Ryder will be 11 months in six days! SIX! I honestly can not believe how fast this time has gone by. It seems like just yesterday that he was born, then we were at his two month check up, then he started eating solid foods, then he was crawling and now here we are planning his first birthday party. I feel like as we get older time goes by faster. When we were little we couldn't wait for school to be out for the week, it seemed to drag before the weekend finally came. Then we couldn't wait for Summer break. Now that I have a child I feel like the week goes by quickly, turning into the weekend which is when I get to spend the most time with him and THAT goes by even quicker than the weekdays. Weeks turn into months and months into years and the next thing you know, your child is going off to college. I'm not sure if I'm ready for all this!

boredom

Let me start off by saying, don't take this too seriously. I like to blog to pass the time while I'm at work. This is just crap I like and don't like. In no particular order.

LIKES: anything that has to do with Ryder, the color pink, rainbows, frilly things, makeup, nail polish, Twilight, shopping, getting my nails done, being blonde, curling irons, hair spray, cute panties, perfume, short skirts, high heels, earrings, music, glitter, clothes, jewelry, dancing, purses, getting my toes done, body wash, lotion, hair extensions, beauty salons, puppies, hair bows, dresses, slippers, Aero, tattoos, hot boy trucks, guys that ride motorcycles, my friends, drinking, parties, chocolate milk, hot chocolate, people who can make me laugh, arguing about anything (even if I’m wrong), winning at ANYTHING, Australian accents, little kids’ birthday parties, Disney movies, fun dip, hanging out with my little brother, bubble gum, flip flops, seeing old friends, being a bitch on purpose, inside jokes (only when I’m not on the outside), my bed, my piercings, lightning, the ocean//beach, in-and-out, nice//white teeth, blowing bubbles, shopping, being tan, Starbucks, sushi, beer, singing obnoxiously loud in my car, people with good grammar//vocabulary, running in sprinklers, polka dots, photo booth pictures, Roberto’s bean and cheese burritos @ 3 in the morning, movie hopping, beer pong, my crazy cat, hearing about peoples' childhood memories, the feeling of sand between my toes, documentaries and specials on TLC and A&E, OLD SCHOOL cartoons, puzzles, going to the park, swings, jack in the box, milk shakes, bonfires, batting cages, Marilyn Monroe, Halloween costumes, Christmas music, playing tag, Britney Spears, Transformers, NFG, Justin Timberlake, 90's Nickelodeon, putting on my make-up, straightening my hair, saying #LHDC excessively, my boobies, shoes, tulips, coloring books, putting my feet up on the seat in front of me at the movies, tanning, reading, hanging out with my friends, my nieces, sleeping in, taking naps, staying up late and talking about nothing with my friends, sleepovers, babies, hanging out with one guy in particular even if we do nothing, road trips, marine biology, my phone, texting, facebook, blogging, animals, making lists A LOT, planning parties, Summer, swimming, the Dallas Cowboys, the Los Angeles Dodgers, intelligent conversations, old cars, mountain dew, taco bell, McDonald's, sweet tea, running, talking to myself DAILY, Hannah Montana (don’t even trip), leggins, uggs, window shopping, Slurpee's, pumpkin spice lattes from 7-11, working out, pictures, lace, dressing up, driving too fast, vacations, hoodies, 90's boy bands, country music, Stoney's, my job

DISLIKES: rain, being woken up, Winter, being cold, mashed potatoes, the consistency of yogurt, smoothies and pudding, shirts that don't show enough cleavage, birds, midgets, being cold when I sleep, onions, mustard, soccer, flying, basketball, the Los Angeles Lakers, the Green Bay Packers, the New York Yankees, socks, spiders, snakes, sharks, people with poor hygiene, people smoking in a non smoking area, people rushing in the elevator without giving you a chance to get out, coffee, traffic, cleaning, going to the dentist, XBOX, puppets, giving your baby TWO middle names, needles, people who ask me questions about something I have NO clue about, when people have their blinker on but don’t switch lanes, when people don’t use their blinker to switch lanes, when strangers sit right next to me at the movies or in front of me and I can't put my feet up, when you pull into a parking spot and someone pulls in to the one RIGHT next to you, people who read aloud when you’re reading the same thing at your own pace, people who smack their lips when they eat, bluetooths, snoop dogg, having to press 1 to hear instructions in English! People that don’t send thank you notes, when someone parks in two spaces, seat belts, being coughed//sneezed on by a stranger, idiots with 11 or more items in the 10 items or less line, lines in general, waiting, dirty fingernails, people that don’t RSVP, when the toilet paper roll is in backwards, when all my money isn’t facing the same way, when you’re on the phone with someone and they start talking to whoever is in the room with them without saying, “hold on” to you first, restaurants that won’t split the bill, when I see dogs being forced to go on a walk and they're panting their little heads off and their owners don’t even care! Baby leashes, when people don’t call//text you back, being tickled, when people don’t say thank you if you hold the door for them, when the song on the radio has fake sirens in the background, caramel, when there's no more seat covers in a public bathroom, when people miss the trashcan but are too lazy to pick up their trash, when people have no idea what personal space is, stray dogs, people that are mean to animals//children, ignorant people, when people blatantly do the opposite of what you said to do, big wads of chewing tobacco, smoking, white chocolate, people that become belligerent when they drink, homeless people (not because I don't like THEM but because I feel awful that I can't help) “one uppers”

Turns out, I'm pretty girly! And I basically just don't like people in general. That's all.

myspace?

I remember when I used to do ten surveys a day on Myspace. I thought I'd bring this one back for old times sake. Don't forget...sarcasm is your friend. :)

Your full name: Markie Marie Coffer AKA "coolest person ever.”

If my life was a movie it would be called: awesome.

If I could be any TV show character, I’d be and why?: I'll make my own TV show.

One thing I really like about my appearance is: my boobies, duh duh.

If i could meet any celebrity, I'd choose and why?: Britney! Cuz I have a girl crush on her.

If I could walk in someone else’s shoes for a day, I’d choose and why?: Obama, he barely walks anywhere. People walk TO him.

My deep dark secret is: I'm in debt. To lots of people.

One thing that really bothers me is: people that claim to be your real friends.

15 years from now, I expect to be:  38 years old.

If I were a cereal, the one I'd be is: kix.

If I had to choose one person to be stranded on a desert island with: Justin Timberlake.

I love: a lot of things…stay tuned for an itemized list.