ugh

Oh weekly fight, how I have missed you. NOT! This seems never ending. One of us says something that sets the other one off and that escalates into a huge blowout.

Name calling. (me) Silent treatment. (him) Crying. (me) "Fine whatever, just leave." (him) More name calling. (me again) Crying so hard you can't catch your breath. (again, me) And finally "I don't care, do whatever you want." (also, him)

The only reason I even remotely want to deal with all this bullshit is because of Ryder. If it wasn't for him, I would be long gone. Not even necessarily "moved on" to a new guy. Just doing my own thing. Alone. Sometimes I wish I had never told Travis I was pregnant. That's an awful thing to say and I feel horrible just typing it. But my life would be so less dramatic and easier if it was just Ryder and I. I feel bad just thinking that, let alone saying it aloud or typing it but it's true. I sometimes imagine how different my life would be without him. Sure, it would be difficult but still manageable. There are millions of single moms out there that make it on their own. It's sometimes not even worth it to me to include him in my daily life. I make that sacrifice FOR Ryder. He's old enough now that he recognizes Daddy. He misses him and when he comes home from work Ryder gets excited. I don't want to be the one that takes that away from Ryder but this much fighting can not be healthy!

I almost feel like the two of us need to go to some sort of counseling. We both have our own issues that don't have anything to do with each other but I think that maybe our pasts are effecting our relationship now. My terrible home life and relationship with my parents. His Iraqi experiences and adoption issues. Neither one of us is perfect and I don't expect us to be but something has got to change. I can't handle this much fighting anymore. It's guess ok though, (close to) one year down, only 17 more to go right? :/